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Learn to have hard conversations

Part of intimate charge is being on the same wavelength as someone else. Getting there might require a hard conversation or two. Learn to hold space for them in the conversation; learn to make space for yourself. NVC is just one tool to help you do those. Words on the outside of the image are pitfalls.

Work on your relationship to yourself

One perspective is that your relationship to yourself is the foundation on which you build all other relationships. What does your self care look like? Do you know what you own self care love languages are?

self care love languages

Focus on empathy and
learn to get in sync

While it’s tempting to “just take a shot,” cold asks can communicate you’re not in sync or that you’re not interested in who they are. Instead, holding a conversation and getting to know someone allows you make a tailored/custom ask that feels better.

If you’re not sure how, boost your Emotional Intelligence by reading books like The Whole-Brained Child (audio | book), Braving the Wilderness (audiobook), or The Definitive Book of Body Language (book).

Manage Your State

Learn about and balance how activated you are in the moment. What tools can you pick up to help pull yourself back into your comfort zone, into that window of tolerance when you’re experiencing anxiety or panic, defeat or depression?

the window of tolerance - anxiety and trauma responses explained
Dr. John Gottman's Sound Relationship House

Orient, build, and grow your relationships

Get clear on what you want.  Ask for what you want. Build together.  Intimacy is partly the result of having some needs met and results in meeting other needs.

Keep accessing educational resources together (like Dr. John Gottman’s Sound Relationship House).


What’s your risk profile for nonconsent?

Understanding others’ boundaries and how to practice accountability builds trust and intimacy.  It also alleviates anxiety and reduces risk.  Coming to peace with a growth mindset allows you to move into personal accountability and avoid shame.

As Carol Dweck says in her TED Talk, “Why waste time proving over and over how great you are, when you could be getting better?”

Other Resources

marshall rosenberg's portrait Nonviolent Communication (Marshall Rosenberg)

Find tools at the Center for Nonviolent Communication’s website including their feelings inventory and their needs inventory.

VOICES Consent Framework (Victor Salmon)

I have a whole page dedicated to the VOICES Accountability and Consent Framework and don’t be a stranger if you’re interested in having me speak at your event!

marcia baczynski's portrait Ways of Hearing / Giving a No (Marcia Baczynski)

Marcia has a website with posts on hearing a no and giving a no.

Your boundaries are gifts along the road to more intimacy <3.