Learn to have hard conversations
Part of intimate charge is being on the same wavelength as someone else. Getting there might require a hard conversation or two. Learn to hold space for them in the conversation; learn to make space for yourself. NVC is just one tool to help you do those. Words on the outside of the image are pitfalls.
Focus on empathy and
learn to get in sync
While it’s tempting to “just take a shot,” cold asks can communicate you’re not in sync or that you’re not interested in who they are. Instead, holding a conversation and getting to know someone allows you make a tailored/custom ask that feels better.
If you’re not sure how, boost your Emotional Intelligence by reading books like The Whole-Brained Child (audio | book), Braving the Wilderness (audio| book), or The Definitive Book of Body Language (book).
What's your risk profile for nonconsent?
Understanding others’ boundaries and how to practice accountability builds trust and intimacy. It also alleviates anxiety and reduces risk. Coming to peace with a growth mindset allows you to move into personal accountability and avoid shame.
As Carol Dweck says in her TED Talk, “Why waste time proving over and over how great you are, when you could be getting better?”
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Exercise: Take 15 minutes alone to really think about and write down answers to the following five questions.
1) areas in your life where you can reduce your risk of nonconsent and increase your quality of getting better consent
2) areas in your life where you can set clear boundaries and ask for better consent
3) parts of the needs inventory where you are satisfied and where you are unsatisfied
4) requests to yourself (think goals) as to how you’ll meet more of your intimacy needs. How are you going to meet people or get on the same wavelength as someone you meet? How are you going to create more intimate charge for yourself?
5) do you have intimate friendships? Can you do this work in your friendships?