Learn to have hard conversations

Part of intimate charge is being on the same wavelength as someone else. Getting there might require a hard conversation or two. Learn to hold space for them in the conversation; learn to make space for yourself. NVC is just one tool to help you do those. Words on the outside of the image are pitfalls.

Work on your relationship to yourself

One perspective is that your relationship to yourself is the foundation on which you build all other relationships. What does your self care look like? Do you know what you own self care love languages are? 

Focus on empathy and
learn to get in sync

While it’s tempting to “just take a shot,” cold asks can communicate you’re not in sync or that you’re not interested in who they are. Instead, holding a conversation and getting to know someone allows you make a tailored/custom ask that feels better.

If you’re not sure how, boost your Emotional Intelligence by reading books like The Whole-Brained Child (audio | book), Braving the Wilderness (audiobook), or The Definitive Book of Body Language (book). 

Manage Your State

Learn about and balance how activated you are in the moment. What tools can you pick up to help pull yourself back into your comfort zone, into that window of tolerance when you’re experiencing anxiety or panic, defeat or depression?

Orient, build, and grow your relationships

Get clear on what you want.  Ask for what you want. Build together.  Intimacy is partly the result of having some needs met and results in meeting other needs.

Keep accessing educational resources together (like Dr. John Gottman’s Sound Relationship House). 


What's your risk profile for nonconsent?

Understanding others’ boundaries and how to practice accountability builds trust and intimacy.  It also alleviates anxiety and reduces risk.  Coming to peace with a growth mindset allows you to move into personal accountability and avoid shame.

As Carol Dweck says in her TED Talk, “Why waste time proving over and over how great you are, when you could be getting better?”

Other Resources

Nonviolent Communication

Marshall Rosenberg

Find tools at the Center for Nonviolent Communication’s website including their feelings inventory and their needs inventory.

VOICES Consent Framework

Victor Salmon

I have a whole page dedicated to the VOICES Accountability and Consent Framework and don’t be a stranger if you’re interested in having me speak at your event!

marcia baczynski's portrait

Ways of Hearing / Giving a No

Marcia Baczynski

Marcia has a website with posts on hearing a no and giving a no.

Your boundaries are gifts along the road to more intimacy <3.

Want more content?

If you like the free content I’m making, support me on Patreon for a few bucks to get tons of rewards including access to my podcast and early access to these workshop outlines!

It’s very hard to make a living when most con organizers, presenters, and staff are all volunteers. Cons provide a platform but often can’t pay you for your time for practical reasons. My workshop at SEAF was offered graciously and fondly as a gift, and I’m extremely grateful to SEAF for the platform and exposure.

Still, if my content contributed $3.50 to $25 worth of quality to your life, consider accessing my Patreon even just for one month. It means the world to me <3. You are helping build safety and predictability into my finances so I can keep making excellent free content for you to share.

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Homework Exercise

Exercise: Take 15 minutes alone to really think about and write down answers to the following five questions.

1) areas in your life where you can reduce your risk of nonconsent and increase your quality of getting better consent

2) areas in your life where you can set clear boundaries and ask for better consent

3) parts of the needs inventory where you are satisfied and where you are unsatisfied

4) requests to yourself (think goals) as to how you’ll meet more of your intimacy needs. How are you going to meet people or get on the same wavelength as someone you meet? How are you going to create more intimate charge for yourself? 

5) do you have intimate friendships? Can you do this work in your friendships?

Workshop Photos